What I awoke to...

I awoke this morning totally groggy, and reset my alarm for an additional hour. It was that bad. Why? Oh... I don't know... Was it the run I completed last night and then felt super energized by? Was it the tea I had with dinner? Was it that my bedroom was 45 degrees and I didn't want to get out from the lovely covers?  Was it that unexpected need to watch 5 episodes of Alias in a row because of the cliffhanger at the end of season 4? I'd like to think it was the run. Anywho. I digress.

So when I woke up the second time, like 20 minutes ago now (7:30 am), these words were in my head: "I remember the bomb, I was there." Couldn't recall what that was from, but thought it was pretty fitting, and also thought it must be a song. Why or how it stirred out of the deep crevices of my brain, I don't know. When I googled it, I recognized it immediately.

Have you ever questioned whether or not something actually happened to you? You remember it happening, but then it seems kind of dream-like, and time has stepped in and inserted some distance for you, and once in a while it seems like that couldn't really be real... ? I shared that thought/feeling with my pastor's wife, and she said her mother had stated the same kind of sentiment after her husband and son passed away. So I guess it must happen to more people than just me...

I got married 2 years 2 months and 2 days ago. I remember the day pretty well.  I remember everything we did to prepare for that day- marriage prep, moving, making my place ready for renters, long talks about hopes, dreams, fears and more.  I remember feeling the most nervous/anticipatory that I've ever ever felt in my life, heart pounding, waiting for those church doors to swing open to walk down the aisle.  I remember melting when my father gave me away.  I remember most of the service, the readings, the "cord of 3 strands", praying together, his grandfather's prayer for us...  I remember kissing my husband for the first time, and walking hand in hand out of that church.  I remember how much I loved him, and knowing he loved me too.

But now, 15 months after separating, and 8 months after the divorce was finalized, it is like those memories could have maybe been a dream...  Did I really get married?! Or how about this question: did I really get engaged, married AND divorced in less than 2 years?!?!?  Sometimes I have to purposefully state that yes- all of this actually happened.  There are pictures documenting the day.  All of my close friends and family were there, and they tell me that they did actually witness the whole thing.  So regardless of if some people choose to sweep that day and me under the rug, it was real.

The rest of the words to that song...  How very very appropriate.

I was there when you shone as bright as Bethlehem from afar.
I was there when you were young and strong and perverted
and everything that makes a young man a star.


I was there and I swear to god and on my mother's grave
on everything I have or ever will embrace.
I was there and I saw it with my own two eyes.

I was there, c'mon and tell me I wasn't worth sticking it out for.
well I was there, and I know I was worth it
cause if I wasn't worth it, that makes me worse off than you are.

I was there when you dropped the bomb
you know, I remember the bomb
and I still hear the bomb
and I still fight the bomb
you know I still fear the bomb
you know I still hate the bomb
sometimes I still get the call...

Try as you might, you cannot lose sight of the things in your life you wish to run away from.  Truth takes the stairs, but it will eventually rise up.  I was there.  

Lyrics from "Surrounded", Chantal Kreviazuk

The Girls' Group

Does God know what He's doing? Sometimes I have really got to wonder... It's so hard these days to align my personal circumstances with what I know about God from Scripture... But let me tell you: He absolutely knew what He was doing when He brought my "girls' group" together!

My best friend and I were both in the same boat for different reasons: we were spiritually dry, wanting more of God, but lacking energy, time, and (for me at least) general motivation. So we decided to do a Bible study together. Instant accountability, structured time in the Word, and definitely enjoyment too- as it'd mean extra (and regular) time together! I was so excited! Well, we didn't even get to meeting together once, before "just us" turned into 3, then 4, then 5... The study started and we kept adding more girls too! God kept putting different girlfriends on my heart or hers, and it's been so wonderful to see who's been brought into the mix. At the height, we totalled 9 ladies, and are currently at 7. ALL of these gals are just gems. We've all been friends for anywhere from 5 to 9 years, at different levels of friendship interpersonally- some never met before.  We all agree though: this group feels like home.  I absolutely love my little group, and am so grateful for this gift- exactly what I needed, and God knew.

We chose the Beth Moore study "The Patriarchs: Encountering The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob".  Not really my choice, because of course I already knew all about those Patriarchs, and didn't really think there'd be too much Mrs. Moore could extract from those old familiar stories.  But... of course...  I was wrong. :)

Almost immediately, the subject matter proved to be hard for me to go through, as topics like marriage, covenant, abandonment, and especially reconciliation have all been touched on in one week or another.  I'll be honest...  the resulting effect is that I usually put off doing my study till Tuesday and Wednesday of the following week (we meet on Thursdays), rush through stuff, and don't take time to ponder, reflect, internalize, etc.  I really hate that divorce is the immediate filter that I see/hear everything through now.  Every personal question the book asks I relate back to the divorce.  But I guess you could say it's been very timely, since marriage, covenant, abandonment and especially reconciliation is all I can ever think of anyway.  The week that dug into that specific topic (in the context of reconciling Jacob and Esau), my Divorce Care group was going through the chapter on reconciliation as well, AND the Mars Hill sermon of that current week was "Jesus Reconciles Us".  I felt like I was getting beated up!  "You don't have to tell me!!", as I figuratively shook my fist in Heaven's direction.

This past week, the actual study was great- it covered Genesis 41-45, the story of Joseph in Egypt, one of my favorite stories in the Bible.  I just love how Beth frequently takes the familiar and makes it seem brand new...  And I do love how God knows what I need to hear.  The spiritual drought is still in full effect for me, but this week I felt a few droplets of rain.  And now I must share.

"We need to drop off our destructive, heavy baggage at the foot of the cross then tarry there for healing until God loads us with treasures to carry into our futures...  the very season that seems least likely to bear fruit may be the place of your Ephraim portion." (Ephraim means "God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction".)  "If we don't wise up to it and ask God to help us change, we can transfer an unhealthy pattern in one relationship to another."  (Been there, done that.)  "Only the most misshapen ego sees conflict resolution as straightening out only the other party.  One side may have more work to do, but rarely is the other completely blameless." (That one cuts deep because of how my personal story played out.)

Then there was the video...  I  find that I frequently have "taken offense" to different things Beth will say to us.  They just cut a little too close to the quick.  This week, she drew blood.  I mean, LOOK at all those notes I wrote in!!  She made me cry toward the end, so I went back and watched it on my own too.  Her topic was restoring relationships, and holding out for God's blessing in our very bleak circumstances.  Holy Jamoly...  Here is what I gleaned... (honestly not sure what's quoted and what's my notes, so I'm gonna put the whole thing in quotes.)

"When Satan asks God to mess with us, God will tell him NO unless there is a yes to a greater glory...  Our only hope of ever healing from a devastation is to believe in God's Sovereignty, to see God as still on His throne regardless of my circumstances... In God's process of restoring interpersonal relationships, don't expect to reach the same emotions at the same time.  'The resurfacing of dialogue between Joseph and his brothers spells out the end of alienation.' It doesn't mean nothing is happening...  Even if the other person takes a while, don't give up the ground God has given me.  Stay where your heart is healthy, you're able to express what's on your heart, you're able to confess the sovereignty of God over your situation, and you are thinking 'God thoughts' from scripture- being assured that all will be ok because God is in control...  God's way is to DEAL with stuff.  'Living' stuff that's buried will resurface."

God still on the throne, huh.  This one thing has been the most incredible struggle of my Christian life over the last 6 months.  If He is still on the throne, then why????  Because there might be a greater glory down the road???  I can only hope.  It's the ONLY reason I keep praying at all.  My only prayer is that God will redeem, restore, reconcile, renew, re-establish.

In the meantime, I have these awesome girls that I get to spend Thursday nights with.  They've been so encouraging, loving, graceful, wise...  And I am so grateful.

Holding out for that greater glory...

Psalm 27:14- "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" - ESV

* Quotes taken from "The Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob", by Beth Moore.  Pages 197-217, and session 9 on the DVDs.  LifeWay Press, 2005.

A Year Ago...

My dear friend came over to my house, we had dinner together, laughed together, and then she committed relationship suicide and ended our friendship. Thus far to this day, unreconciled. Has it been a year?! On one hand it seems like yesterday, because I'm not fully healed from this- as evidenced by how I still miss her, and my limited ability to forgive. And on the other, it seems like a million years ago, because God has brought me this far, and I love Him and am so grateful for what He has done- and is doing- in my life. This story is still incomplete. The circle hasn't closed yet...

Crash Anniversary (short version)

This is details only from the crash. There is more story surrounding that, but will have to get to that later. Stay tuned for an update to this story.

Short version:
5 years ago today, I was leaving a friend’s house in Oviedo around 6:00 in the morning to return to my place in Maitland. Because of Hurricane Charlie, the tolls had been eliminated for a while, and though I’d taken the toll roads to get across town initially, I’d heard on the radio that they’d be turned back on at 6:00 am, Monday morning. So I decided to take the city streets home. I drove down University, to Hall, to the intersection at Aloma…

Also because of Charlie, almost every single stop light was out all over town. TV reporters and even radio hosts made a big point though, of reminding us to treat every single intersection with a light out as though there were 4 way stops. So I did.

Coming up to Aloma on Hall/ Howell Branch, I was in the left lane, and a truck was in the right lane next to me. We both stopped at the intersection, and proceeded through. These next events took maybe about 10-15 seconds total, but everything was so CLEAR as it happened- it’s like it was in slow motion.

So Truck and I are proceeding through the intersection, when I HEAR truck slam on his brakes. I turned to see why, and saw an SUV barreling down Aloma, now coming through the intersection without stopping or slowing at all, and we crashed. A perfect T-bone.

(Here’s where REAL slow motion kicks in) My airbags deployed, punched me in the face, and burned my forearms. There was powder or steam or something, and I couldn’t see for a bit. I thought to myself, “Am I dead? Am I alright?” Then I turned my head to the left, and to my horror, saw the SUV tumbling down the road, rolling over 2 more full times before it came to a stop on the driver’s side.

I kept enough sense in me to grab my cell phone, dial 911, and then I just lost it. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of my car. Not that I was stuck, but I was so panicked I couldn’t get the seat belt off or the door open. When I finally tumbled out onto the street, it did dawn on me that I was able to stand and scream, so I did just that for a bit, while the lady at the 911 center told me to “calm down, or I can’t help you”. She asked me if the other driver was alright, and I realized I hadn’t seen the other driver yet. There was no movement from the other car. And I freaked out again, and refused to go look, afraid of what I might find inside.

Mr. Truck Guy saw everything, and stayed with me till police came. He went to check on the other person and he gave a statement to the police about what happened. I wish I knew who that was…

I walked away from this. I shouldn't have. The front of my care was accordioned. But instead of breaking through the foot well on the driver's side, it cracked the passenger's side, and things that needed to displace did so downward. I walked away with burns on my arms and my face, and a sore neck.

Millstones and Milestones.

July 11.

July 11, 2000- according to a movie ticket stub I found recently, apparently I watched Lethal Weapon 4. I totally don't remember anything about the movie, but I've got the proof I was there!

July 11, 2006- quite a different story. I will probably never forget this day, though I wish every day since that I could... This is the day I willfully walked off a cliff. I started off intentionally, proceeded to the edge, ignored every warning sign, and didn't just walk off the edge- I JUMPED. Back into sin I thought- no swore- was behind me. I also happened to jump into a downward spiral of self-loathing and deprecation, lasting for several months. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror, couldn't hardly make eye contact with most people, and couldn't go for more than maybe 3 hours without crying. I certainly couldn't tell others- not directly at least... I believed I was the biggest phony. I was in shock really! How could I have done this?! HOW did this happen?! I thought I loved God! I thought I was a new person! What about being baptized? What about all those night I'd cry out to God and tell Him how sorry I was for the things in my past- how I was so sorry for how I'd disrespected him for so many years... What ABOUT all that?

I wore that millstone for a long time. Can't say exactly how long, and can't say it's not completely removed now either.

July 11, 2007- One year post, and I could testify already to just how GOOD my Kind Father is. He took me back, and spoke directly to me about His forgiveness. He filled the year with a TON of mercy, and provided me with good distractions to allow for covert healing of my heart and mind. On THIS day, God allowed me to spend this morbid anniversary in my beloved Papua New Guinea, serving. I passed this milestone in the kitchen, on a trail, with wonderful fellowship, and surrounded by nature that literally screams out the glory of God.

July 11, 2009- Three years post now. God has allowed for much healing, and has done AMAZING things in my heart and life between this milestone and the original millstone. I have lower expectations for myself and people in general (for this perfectionist, this is actually a good thing!). I think I have a more realistic view of sin and its grip on us. But I also believe I have a much clearer understanding of grace. CLEARLY it is much more easily comprehended when dealt to you in grand doses. I have a slightly different desire to do what pleases my Kind Father as well. He wants my heart, and I can easily surrender because He took me back. I would give everything in gratitude for just being taken back.

And now, the date has been redeemed. July 11, 2009 I watched my sweet friend Christie walk down the aisle, and NOW this day will forever be her anniversary.

Full circle complete. From death to life. Mourning to dancing. Despair and depression to joy and celebration.

How GREAT is Our God?!

Fast and Famine

I didn't want to post more than a link on the Grace website, because I figured very few people would actually follow a link- probably just the people who know me at Grace, and I didn't want to discourage people...

I didn't get anything at all out of the fast this week. I don't think I was fully on board from the beginning though. I don't know... It's been a looooooong time since God's been clear with me, and I don't like it. It feels like I spend a LOT of time and energy praying for, asking, begging God to open doors for me, do something BIG with/in me, and I'm still in the exact same place I was this time last year. And in 2007. And in 2006. I could go on...

I am done with asking. I can't help but think that "this" is exactly where God wants me, and that I AM doing what He's got for me right now, though His idea of ministry and purpose are vastly different from mine. With all the begging I've done over the last 3+ years for learning and knowing His will, following what He wants for me, I can't help but conclude that I'M THERE. THIS is it. THIS is His "great plan" for me.

The following was originally written in my Bible Journal. Every year I keep a new journal and fill it with verses that stand out to me, a record of what I read throughout the year, and sermon notes. This year it's pretty empty for being the end of May...

I am in a famine. I just didn't want it to be true, especially because it's been soooooo long since I've felt this way, but I can't deny it further- it's pretty clear... I do next to nothing to build my relationship with my Lord. I'll think about it, say stuff like, "Oh, it'd be so nice to spend time with God", and then do nothing. I am all talk and intentions. I chronically waste time at home. I will find ANYTHING to replace God. Right now I think it'd be wrong for me to say "I love the Lord". I give more effort to people I DON'T love than to Him. This book should be over half filled with verses, prayers, thoughts, etc. ... And instead it's just a few pages. The year is half GONE!!

Grace is doing this month-long fast. I signed up, but I'm not excited about it. Everyone's comments are so expectant- like God's going to do some big thing in the next month. And I don't have that certainty or expectancy AT ALL. In fact, I'd rather NOT do it because I just don't want to be let down again. I used to fast- for answers and direction. And sometimes I really thought God was instructing me, guiding me, etc. But in hindsight, it must have been me. Or Satan- I'd even dare say- being very deceptive. I don't know...

I am a glutton. I fed my face all day (Tuesday) when I could have been fasting. And I consumed 3 hours of TV tonight. And now I'm in bed. Wow.

How am I supposed to fast when I can't stop feeding my face and turn off the distractions?! I've been asking for guidance, wisdom, some direction, instruction, etc. for 2+ years now and God hasn't done anything. So what is fasting NOW going to do?

If you've read this much, read a little further. Please pray that God will just show up for once and turn my attitude around, and bring me fully back to loving Him with ALL my heart, and not just 1/3 of it. I "like" God right now. But I can't say more than that and be truthful. I want to desire Him more, want what HE wants for me, and follow obediantly. Even just writing this- the deep truth in my heart starts to surface, and I want to love Him the way He deserves, and serve Him with no second thoughts, no matter what He has for me to do.

Predestination.

This sermon radically changed and shaped my view on election versus "free will". Enjoy!

Freedom and Bondage

Like a lot of girls, I have "one of THOSE ex's" hanging around in my skeleton closet. (No, I didn't kill him and stuff him in there... but that was by God's grace alone.) I met him, was instantly attracted, quickly grew an intense friendship, and before I could even discern the BEGINNING of it, was bonded, and I remained in such a state for 4 years.

It's been a little over 1.5 years since the end of that, and were you to ask my friends, they'd say I'm a different girl now- happier, free-er (sp?), more open/ transparent, etc. At least that's what they've told me at different times... And I DO feel that. I praise God daily for the distance He has allowed to grow between "then" and "now", the healing He has brought me, and the grace He has permitted to infiltrate. It has been nothing short of amazing to me, and there are no silly words that do justice for an explanation of the gratitude I feel in my heart- both to my God and to my friends who were so persistent and grace-filled and re-accepting. God has healed my heart in so many ways too- so that I could forgive, and not resent, etc. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or avoidant if I saw him at church, or if he showed up at some mutual friends' party. He ended up marrying a girl who'd been a close friend of mine for years, and then it did get weird, and I felt like I had to avoid BOTH of them again, but maybe for a better reason? I don't know.

A friend happened to mention to me last night that this same ex is moving. I was totally not expecting that, and I could NOT have predicted my reaction. I almost started crying! I couldn't stop smiling and laughing- clearly I'd lost it. Again I find no words to express the RELIEF I felt in that moment. I had no idea one was still there, but I instantly felt like this huge weight had been removed. I will never go to another event and see him, I won't have to worry for a second about running into him somewhere. He will be GONE. Forever.

Talking to God while driving home after having learned this, I asked, "why couldn't this have happened YEARS ago?! There's so much that could have been avoided if only..." But the "why" isn't my responsibility.

I called a friend to share this crazy insane good news with someone, and in the process, asked her, "is it wrong for me to be this happy?" She said no- it wasn't like I was wishing him ill in any way, I was just happy for my own circumstances. But then she said, "It's ok for you to feel this way because clearly this person has a hold of you still for you to react so strongly..." And the freedom I felt transformed into the chains that returned.

The only thing that could come out was, "Really?? Do you really think so?" I would so love to think I'm way more "evolved" than all of this. That I've grown, changed, put aside, moved on, improved, etc. I talked to another friend who was closer to me and knew the situation better too. She assured me that she did see all of that, in spite of my current doubt, but kind of made provision for why it'd be hard for me still... I don't know if I wanted that. I really wanted the truth. And really- in the end, the truth will shine the brightest, even if it's the ugliest.

Thoughts On Prosperity

I HATE IT. With everything inside of me. It makes me literally sick to my stomach. But I'd love your thoughts too!

Good Thing I'm Not God... (a.k.a. The Dilemma of "Prophet" vs. "Mercy")

...because the person sitting 3 seats down from me in church today- the one carrying on an adulterous relationship with someone who is MARRIED- would have been smoke. Who do they think they are?? And what ever happened to good old-fashioned church discipline, and holding people accountable for their actions?? We're all so busy being nice and inclusive, and all-consumed with mercy, that we forget that the Bible speaks clearly about continuous, unrepentant sin within the Body. If now's not the time, then WHEN???

Back in the day, when I was in my old church's singles ministry, I took this "Spiritual Gifts Assessment". I didn't know anything about spiritual gifting at the time, but I was about to get schooled! After we'd answered the questions, we were supposed to find the two spiritual gifts that best matched our answers. So we're going around, saying what our "gifts" were, and it's my turn, and I say, "mine are Prophecy and Mercy". The lady leading us was like, "that's impossible- they're opposite gifts. You're not supposed to be both, just one or the other." But there was my score- something like 46 for prophecy and 44 for mercy (with remaining points going to "helps" and "giving").

People who've met me will be quick to agree that I've got the Prophet thing down. My close friends know, though, that Mercy guides my heart, and over-rides the Prophet often. So in today's case, how in the world will Mercy decide to show up and save the world from the relentless Prophet?

She came alright. Like a flash flood, She decimated the tower of Self Righteousness I was building all through the sermon today with the whisper of a reminder that I'm guilty of adultery too, albeit in a slightly different way. And if Jesus' blood can cover my own sin, it can cover anything- even- especially- the sins I want to think are unforgivable.

Those verses in Matthew 18 that speak of Church discipline are quickly followed by verses telling us how to forgive... Coincidence? No way.

Unfaithful

Can't fathom.
Speechless.

You Never Know... (Part 2)

Someone who became my friend 5 years ago.
Someone who gained my trust.
Someone I loved dearly.
Someone who'd really supported and encouraged me.
Someone I prayed with and for regularly.
Someone I confided in.
Someone I looked forward to spending time with.
Someone I thought would be in my wedding some day- we would celebrate life's big moments together.
Severed her friendship with me 2 months ago, very suddenly, through one seriously polarizing, un-retractable act. I'm still struggling to comprehend how this happened.

The only thing I can turn to for any small amount of comfort or understanding is that GOD KNEW. He knew 5 years ago when we met, and He knew when we were growing our friendship. He knew every time I thanked Him for her that this is how things would turn out. So even though I'm appalled and hurt and miss my friend, I just keep going back to "He knew this before I did..." And because of the last point on the last post's list- "who will return"- I'm holding my breath. God can do anything.

I'm praying for some kind of Circle now- beyond my human mind's imagination or comprehension.

Anything that COULD possibly go wrong...

...DID go wrong in 2008. Ok, so maybe that's a tad dramatic... but I mean really- see for yourself! In order now:

My boss stopped talking to me.
My home church ended.
I got stuck on a mountain in snow so thick I couldn't see in front of or behind me.
My emotions frequently won the battle of heart versus mind.
I really alienated myself from some of my friends.
I was sick for like 3 weeks, and got the worst, most painful earache every felt by a human.
My friend and I stood up for what's right, and were estranged from our coworkers.
Same friend and I resigned from same job.
I started getting hate mail.
My last check was withheld.
I was threatened with defamation.
My computer died.
My mom drove me over the edge.
My credit limits were (almost) reached.
I was threatened with a lawsuit.
Work stopped coming in.
Home group challenge. Enough said.
My next door neighbor's son harassed one of my girlfriends.
My next door neighbor threatened to get a restraining order against me after I reported what'd happened.
I couldn't find a job to save myself.
I couldn't get myself out of bed.
I lost my church.
I lost my young adults ministry.
I lost my dear friend.
My trust was destroyed.
I lost my last grandmother.
I lost my home group.
I gave up any chance I had to return to PNG any time soon.
A lot of questions were left unanswered.
A lot of prayers were answered with a "no".
Things I never thought I'd lose are now gone.
People let me down.
I let a lot of people down.

It is totally fair to say when something hard happens, there's a refractory period. Could be 2 days, 2 months or 2 years even. This isn't even a full list, and where it stands here, this is like having one disastrous thing happen every 12 days for a whole year. Yeah, that's kind of how it feels too. Just one thing after another. So what's the refractory period for that?

The "alone" thing really weighed me down in all of this. I felt so. unbelievably. alone.

Before you give into the horridly unsympathetic urge to say "oh get over it", who hasn't had a season like this? This is not the post for anything else. But stay tuned. I won't be staying here.

A Sinner's Prayer

I emailed Steve Brown, and he actually wrote back! Pretty cool. This is something he included in his response...

(From Michael Quoist’s book Prayers)
I have fallen Lord, once more, I can’t go on. I’ll never succeed. I am ashamed. I don’t dare look at You. And yet I struggled, Lord, for I knew you were right near me, bending over me, watching.

But temptation blew like a hurricane, and instead of looking at You, I turned my head away. I stepped aside while you stood, silent and sorrowful, like the spurned fiancée who sees his loved one carried away by the enemy.

When the wind died down as suddenly as it had arisen, when the lightening ceased after proudly streaking the darkness, all of a sudden I found myself alone, ashamed, disgusted, with my sin in my hands… this sin that I selected the way a customer makes his purchase, this sin that I have paid for and cannot return, for the storekeeper is no longer there. This tasteless sin, this odorless sin, this sin that sickens me, that I have wanted but want no more, that I have imagined, sought, played with, fondled for a long time; that I have finally embraced while turning coldly away from you, my arms outstretched, my eyes and heart irresistibly drown; this sin that I have grasped and consumed with gluttony.

It’s mine now, but it possesses me as the spider web holds captive the gnat. It is mine. It sticks to me, it flows in my veins, it fills my heart. It has slipped in everywhere, as darkness slips into the forest at dusk and fills all the patches of light. I can’t get rid of it. I run from it the way one tries to lose a stray dog, but it catches up with me and bounds joyfully against my legs.

Everyone must notice it. I’m so ashamed that I feel like crawling to avoid being seen. I’m ashamed of being seen by my friends. I’m ashamed of being seen by You, Lord, for You loved me, and I forgot You. I forgot You because I was thinking of myself and one can’t think of several persons at once. One must choose, and I chose…

… And Your voice and Your look, and Your love hurt me, they weigh me down more than my sin.

Lord, don’t look at me like that. I am naked. I am dirty. I am down, shattered, with no strength left. I dare make no more promises. I can only lie bowed before You…

And the Father's Response...
Come, child, look up. Isn’t it mainly your vanity that is wounded? Do you think there is a limit to My love? Do you think that for a moment I stopped loving You? But you still rely on yourself. You must rely only on Me. Ask my pardon and get up quickly. It isn’t falling in the mud that is the worst…

… but staying there.