Freedom and Bondage

Like a lot of girls, I have "one of THOSE ex's" hanging around in my skeleton closet. (No, I didn't kill him and stuff him in there... but that was by God's grace alone.) I met him, was instantly attracted, quickly grew an intense friendship, and before I could even discern the BEGINNING of it, was bonded, and I remained in such a state for 4 years.

It's been a little over 1.5 years since the end of that, and were you to ask my friends, they'd say I'm a different girl now- happier, free-er (sp?), more open/ transparent, etc. At least that's what they've told me at different times... And I DO feel that. I praise God daily for the distance He has allowed to grow between "then" and "now", the healing He has brought me, and the grace He has permitted to infiltrate. It has been nothing short of amazing to me, and there are no silly words that do justice for an explanation of the gratitude I feel in my heart- both to my God and to my friends who were so persistent and grace-filled and re-accepting. God has healed my heart in so many ways too- so that I could forgive, and not resent, etc. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or avoidant if I saw him at church, or if he showed up at some mutual friends' party. He ended up marrying a girl who'd been a close friend of mine for years, and then it did get weird, and I felt like I had to avoid BOTH of them again, but maybe for a better reason? I don't know.

A friend happened to mention to me last night that this same ex is moving. I was totally not expecting that, and I could NOT have predicted my reaction. I almost started crying! I couldn't stop smiling and laughing- clearly I'd lost it. Again I find no words to express the RELIEF I felt in that moment. I had no idea one was still there, but I instantly felt like this huge weight had been removed. I will never go to another event and see him, I won't have to worry for a second about running into him somewhere. He will be GONE. Forever.

Talking to God while driving home after having learned this, I asked, "why couldn't this have happened YEARS ago?! There's so much that could have been avoided if only..." But the "why" isn't my responsibility.

I called a friend to share this crazy insane good news with someone, and in the process, asked her, "is it wrong for me to be this happy?" She said no- it wasn't like I was wishing him ill in any way, I was just happy for my own circumstances. But then she said, "It's ok for you to feel this way because clearly this person has a hold of you still for you to react so strongly..." And the freedom I felt transformed into the chains that returned.

The only thing that could come out was, "Really?? Do you really think so?" I would so love to think I'm way more "evolved" than all of this. That I've grown, changed, put aside, moved on, improved, etc. I talked to another friend who was closer to me and knew the situation better too. She assured me that she did see all of that, in spite of my current doubt, but kind of made provision for why it'd be hard for me still... I don't know if I wanted that. I really wanted the truth. And really- in the end, the truth will shine the brightest, even if it's the ugliest.