The Girls' Group

Does God know what He's doing? Sometimes I have really got to wonder... It's so hard these days to align my personal circumstances with what I know about God from Scripture... But let me tell you: He absolutely knew what He was doing when He brought my "girls' group" together!

My best friend and I were both in the same boat for different reasons: we were spiritually dry, wanting more of God, but lacking energy, time, and (for me at least) general motivation. So we decided to do a Bible study together. Instant accountability, structured time in the Word, and definitely enjoyment too- as it'd mean extra (and regular) time together! I was so excited! Well, we didn't even get to meeting together once, before "just us" turned into 3, then 4, then 5... The study started and we kept adding more girls too! God kept putting different girlfriends on my heart or hers, and it's been so wonderful to see who's been brought into the mix. At the height, we totalled 9 ladies, and are currently at 7. ALL of these gals are just gems. We've all been friends for anywhere from 5 to 9 years, at different levels of friendship interpersonally- some never met before.  We all agree though: this group feels like home.  I absolutely love my little group, and am so grateful for this gift- exactly what I needed, and God knew.

We chose the Beth Moore study "The Patriarchs: Encountering The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob".  Not really my choice, because of course I already knew all about those Patriarchs, and didn't really think there'd be too much Mrs. Moore could extract from those old familiar stories.  But... of course...  I was wrong. :)

Almost immediately, the subject matter proved to be hard for me to go through, as topics like marriage, covenant, abandonment, and especially reconciliation have all been touched on in one week or another.  I'll be honest...  the resulting effect is that I usually put off doing my study till Tuesday and Wednesday of the following week (we meet on Thursdays), rush through stuff, and don't take time to ponder, reflect, internalize, etc.  I really hate that divorce is the immediate filter that I see/hear everything through now.  Every personal question the book asks I relate back to the divorce.  But I guess you could say it's been very timely, since marriage, covenant, abandonment and especially reconciliation is all I can ever think of anyway.  The week that dug into that specific topic (in the context of reconciling Jacob and Esau), my Divorce Care group was going through the chapter on reconciliation as well, AND the Mars Hill sermon of that current week was "Jesus Reconciles Us".  I felt like I was getting beated up!  "You don't have to tell me!!", as I figuratively shook my fist in Heaven's direction.

This past week, the actual study was great- it covered Genesis 41-45, the story of Joseph in Egypt, one of my favorite stories in the Bible.  I just love how Beth frequently takes the familiar and makes it seem brand new...  And I do love how God knows what I need to hear.  The spiritual drought is still in full effect for me, but this week I felt a few droplets of rain.  And now I must share.

"We need to drop off our destructive, heavy baggage at the foot of the cross then tarry there for healing until God loads us with treasures to carry into our futures...  the very season that seems least likely to bear fruit may be the place of your Ephraim portion." (Ephraim means "God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction".)  "If we don't wise up to it and ask God to help us change, we can transfer an unhealthy pattern in one relationship to another."  (Been there, done that.)  "Only the most misshapen ego sees conflict resolution as straightening out only the other party.  One side may have more work to do, but rarely is the other completely blameless." (That one cuts deep because of how my personal story played out.)

Then there was the video...  I  find that I frequently have "taken offense" to different things Beth will say to us.  They just cut a little too close to the quick.  This week, she drew blood.  I mean, LOOK at all those notes I wrote in!!  She made me cry toward the end, so I went back and watched it on my own too.  Her topic was restoring relationships, and holding out for God's blessing in our very bleak circumstances.  Holy Jamoly...  Here is what I gleaned... (honestly not sure what's quoted and what's my notes, so I'm gonna put the whole thing in quotes.)

"When Satan asks God to mess with us, God will tell him NO unless there is a yes to a greater glory...  Our only hope of ever healing from a devastation is to believe in God's Sovereignty, to see God as still on His throne regardless of my circumstances... In God's process of restoring interpersonal relationships, don't expect to reach the same emotions at the same time.  'The resurfacing of dialogue between Joseph and his brothers spells out the end of alienation.' It doesn't mean nothing is happening...  Even if the other person takes a while, don't give up the ground God has given me.  Stay where your heart is healthy, you're able to express what's on your heart, you're able to confess the sovereignty of God over your situation, and you are thinking 'God thoughts' from scripture- being assured that all will be ok because God is in control...  God's way is to DEAL with stuff.  'Living' stuff that's buried will resurface."

God still on the throne, huh.  This one thing has been the most incredible struggle of my Christian life over the last 6 months.  If He is still on the throne, then why????  Because there might be a greater glory down the road???  I can only hope.  It's the ONLY reason I keep praying at all.  My only prayer is that God will redeem, restore, reconcile, renew, re-establish.

In the meantime, I have these awesome girls that I get to spend Thursday nights with.  They've been so encouraging, loving, graceful, wise...  And I am so grateful.

Holding out for that greater glory...

Psalm 27:14- "Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" - ESV

* Quotes taken from "The Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob", by Beth Moore.  Pages 197-217, and session 9 on the DVDs.  LifeWay Press, 2005.

Run To Obey

This is from Pastor James Macdonald with Walk In The Word ministries. The strangest thing you might ever hear me say is "I love being obediant." Don't tell my mom!! :) Some friends of mine who aren't Christian will probably read this and think, "huh?!". I don't know. All I can say is, being obediant to God is great. He came to me once, about 7 years ago, asked for one small move in His general direction, and it changed everything. God has changed and is continuing to change everything, and I want more.


Run to Obey

"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart! Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it." - Psalm 119:32-35

Obeying God is a phenomenal thing.

You know you're talking to a baby Christian when you hear things like, "The Bible says to do . . . what? That just doesn't make sense to me," and "Isn't that a little crazy?" When someone new to Christ hears a call that demands him or her to go against the natural human tendency to protect or promote self, the person will sometimes react.

Not so for someone who has walked with God for a long time. We know that every step forward is a step of faith. Obedience to God is not a burden. And once you've done it a few times, you realize how awesome God's program is.

Every time I do what God wants me to do - I get blessed. Every time I humble myself and ask for forgiveness or reach out in relationship or deny my flesh or give to the Lord's work or make the choice to serve or open my mouth and speak for God - I get blessed! Every time! Obeying God always makes things better, even when it's hard. Even when the good outcome takes a while.

The more you get to know the Lord, the more you realize that everything He asks of you is for your good. I'm thinking right now of that amazing pronouncement in Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." When you get that panorama perspective of life, then obeying God today is not a burden; it's a joy.

Things will always work out for good when I obey God. If I could live my life over again, I wouldn't go back on any of my obedience choices, but I'd go back to some disobedience choices and change them in a hurry.

Today I purpose to obey the first time, every time. Let’s be like David who said, "I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!"

Fast and Famine

I didn't want to post more than a link on the Grace website, because I figured very few people would actually follow a link- probably just the people who know me at Grace, and I didn't want to discourage people...

I didn't get anything at all out of the fast this week. I don't think I was fully on board from the beginning though. I don't know... It's been a looooooong time since God's been clear with me, and I don't like it. It feels like I spend a LOT of time and energy praying for, asking, begging God to open doors for me, do something BIG with/in me, and I'm still in the exact same place I was this time last year. And in 2007. And in 2006. I could go on...

I am done with asking. I can't help but think that "this" is exactly where God wants me, and that I AM doing what He's got for me right now, though His idea of ministry and purpose are vastly different from mine. With all the begging I've done over the last 3+ years for learning and knowing His will, following what He wants for me, I can't help but conclude that I'M THERE. THIS is it. THIS is His "great plan" for me.

The following was originally written in my Bible Journal. Every year I keep a new journal and fill it with verses that stand out to me, a record of what I read throughout the year, and sermon notes. This year it's pretty empty for being the end of May...

I am in a famine. I just didn't want it to be true, especially because it's been soooooo long since I've felt this way, but I can't deny it further- it's pretty clear... I do next to nothing to build my relationship with my Lord. I'll think about it, say stuff like, "Oh, it'd be so nice to spend time with God", and then do nothing. I am all talk and intentions. I chronically waste time at home. I will find ANYTHING to replace God. Right now I think it'd be wrong for me to say "I love the Lord". I give more effort to people I DON'T love than to Him. This book should be over half filled with verses, prayers, thoughts, etc. ... And instead it's just a few pages. The year is half GONE!!

Grace is doing this month-long fast. I signed up, but I'm not excited about it. Everyone's comments are so expectant- like God's going to do some big thing in the next month. And I don't have that certainty or expectancy AT ALL. In fact, I'd rather NOT do it because I just don't want to be let down again. I used to fast- for answers and direction. And sometimes I really thought God was instructing me, guiding me, etc. But in hindsight, it must have been me. Or Satan- I'd even dare say- being very deceptive. I don't know...

I am a glutton. I fed my face all day (Tuesday) when I could have been fasting. And I consumed 3 hours of TV tonight. And now I'm in bed. Wow.

How am I supposed to fast when I can't stop feeding my face and turn off the distractions?! I've been asking for guidance, wisdom, some direction, instruction, etc. for 2+ years now and God hasn't done anything. So what is fasting NOW going to do?

If you've read this much, read a little further. Please pray that God will just show up for once and turn my attitude around, and bring me fully back to loving Him with ALL my heart, and not just 1/3 of it. I "like" God right now. But I can't say more than that and be truthful. I want to desire Him more, want what HE wants for me, and follow obediantly. Even just writing this- the deep truth in my heart starts to surface, and I want to love Him the way He deserves, and serve Him with no second thoughts, no matter what He has for me to do.

Freedom and Bondage

Like a lot of girls, I have "one of THOSE ex's" hanging around in my skeleton closet. (No, I didn't kill him and stuff him in there... but that was by God's grace alone.) I met him, was instantly attracted, quickly grew an intense friendship, and before I could even discern the BEGINNING of it, was bonded, and I remained in such a state for 4 years.

It's been a little over 1.5 years since the end of that, and were you to ask my friends, they'd say I'm a different girl now- happier, free-er (sp?), more open/ transparent, etc. At least that's what they've told me at different times... And I DO feel that. I praise God daily for the distance He has allowed to grow between "then" and "now", the healing He has brought me, and the grace He has permitted to infiltrate. It has been nothing short of amazing to me, and there are no silly words that do justice for an explanation of the gratitude I feel in my heart- both to my God and to my friends who were so persistent and grace-filled and re-accepting. God has healed my heart in so many ways too- so that I could forgive, and not resent, etc. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or avoidant if I saw him at church, or if he showed up at some mutual friends' party. He ended up marrying a girl who'd been a close friend of mine for years, and then it did get weird, and I felt like I had to avoid BOTH of them again, but maybe for a better reason? I don't know.

A friend happened to mention to me last night that this same ex is moving. I was totally not expecting that, and I could NOT have predicted my reaction. I almost started crying! I couldn't stop smiling and laughing- clearly I'd lost it. Again I find no words to express the RELIEF I felt in that moment. I had no idea one was still there, but I instantly felt like this huge weight had been removed. I will never go to another event and see him, I won't have to worry for a second about running into him somewhere. He will be GONE. Forever.

Talking to God while driving home after having learned this, I asked, "why couldn't this have happened YEARS ago?! There's so much that could have been avoided if only..." But the "why" isn't my responsibility.

I called a friend to share this crazy insane good news with someone, and in the process, asked her, "is it wrong for me to be this happy?" She said no- it wasn't like I was wishing him ill in any way, I was just happy for my own circumstances. But then she said, "It's ok for you to feel this way because clearly this person has a hold of you still for you to react so strongly..." And the freedom I felt transformed into the chains that returned.

The only thing that could come out was, "Really?? Do you really think so?" I would so love to think I'm way more "evolved" than all of this. That I've grown, changed, put aside, moved on, improved, etc. I talked to another friend who was closer to me and knew the situation better too. She assured me that she did see all of that, in spite of my current doubt, but kind of made provision for why it'd be hard for me still... I don't know if I wanted that. I really wanted the truth. And really- in the end, the truth will shine the brightest, even if it's the ugliest.

Rebirth

Believe it or not (coming from Florida), January 11, 2004 was ICY! We were all attending the very first Revolution Retreat at Southwind in little Ocklawaha, Fl. It was in the mid 30's around 8:00 a.m., and I was up early- I had some reading I wanted to do.

Rewind to early October 2003- I was a few months into a long and very different journey, moving in the general direction of Christ. I was in a very small home group with Casey Johnson, and we were slowly making our way through The Purpose Driven Life. Something from one of the early chapters really shouted out to me: it was the notion that baptism was how you showed the world your intention to follow Christ. I was stunned! Being brought up Lutheran, baptism was always tied to salvation. Hence my earlier infant baptism. I had already dismissed this teaching as untrue/ unbiblical, but I hadn't really dug for the Truth to replace it. Nevertheless, when this notion of baptism as symbol of "follower" came to me, I was quick to decide, "well this is what I need to do!"

Probably as soon as you decide to do anything for God, Satan moves in and tries to plant doubt in your mind. Having been already baptized, I questioned CONSTANTLY- "is this really necessary?" My parents were completely unsupportive, and non-understanding. "You've already been baptized! Why would you do it again?" And I waited. I sat on it... But not for too long. :)

So it's really cold, and it's pretty early, and I'm sitting in a corner of the huge dining room by the fire place (not lit- wish it were). Bible in lap, I looked up every verse listed that touched on baptism. I read about John baptizing people to show they were turning toward the Coming Messiah, Jesus being baptized before starting His ministry... Paul's words spoke the loudest.

"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more kindness and forgiveness? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we became Christians and were baptized to become one with Christ Jesus, we died with Him? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives."

Wow.

Some time while I was reading all this, a girl approached me- she was who I'd been paired up with to "get to know better", spend some time with, etc. over the weekend. She sat down, asked what I was reading, talked with me for a while, and prayed with me too. The first of many times we'd pray and share scripture together- as this "girl I barely knew" turned into my dear, sweet, wonderful friend Michaela.

I remember standing out by the pool in shorts and a t-shirt, wind blowing, freezing quickly- even with a blanket around me. Two guys were also out there in shorts. We huddled together and prayed for each other- for the lives we wanted to live, and the direction we wanted to intentionally turn toward. I remember the water- INSANELY cold! Casey asked, "are you ready?", and I nodded yes. I remember scanning the crowd at the edge of the pool for one particular person, and becoming almost panicked in my mind, as that person eluded me. (Hindsight makes me eternally grateful for that- but that's a different story for another time) "Emily, I baptize you..."

I remember a moment... And a feeling... Right before going under, time stopped. It was a feeling of panic, and of letting go. Something within me registered that things would be different now. That feeling was of being erased. Everything within me felt erased. I did not come up the same person.

Five years forward- I could not have humanly imagined the life God had/has in store for me. This is not the life I thought I'd lead, and I am eternally grateful for it! God has allowed for so much growth, pain, love, learning... He gave me a family, a church home, a ministry- and an ability to trust Him when those were taken away too. He's given me people to spur me on, and it's their friendship I am most grateful for. I love our Lord.

Happy Rebirthday.

Beyond This Point...

"...Lies The Rest Of The World". So reads this almost overlook-able landmark at Manhattan Beach in LA. It's fitting for today too. I have a lot of hope for this year. 2008 was the absolute worst year of my life, and I KNOW that 2009 is going to be so much better!

Already I’m ahead of where I was this time last year: I have a better job, getting paid more, my boss doesn’t hate me AND she’s a Christian, I am more at peace with pretty much everything right now- I don’t feel like I’m fighting God on anything (at the moment), I have some amazing friends (I did last year too, but I’m even more sure of our love for each other, and probably more grateful now too).

I feel like I’m on a good path right now, though the path itself is kind of hidden. But really, I am OK with not being fully sure of the next step.

The things that I am sure of at the moment: I love the Lord, I’ll be at my current job for a while, I won’t be going back to PNG soon (though I wish this were different), and I really want to listen and be obediant. God’s got me in an interesting place where I’m making some new friends, and coming upon different new opportunities almost weekly. I’m pretty content right now. This is great! May this contentment continue throughout the new year.

A Full Circle

Ever done something you didn't really feel like doing, but did it anyway, and then later realized that GOD was telling you to do that, and even more- He blesses you big-time BECAUSE of your obedience? Yeah. It's like that.

I have had this happen SEVERAL times. And though I really don't understand in the moment why a thought crosses my mind, or why I feel so compelled to do *whatever*, the "a-ha"/ lightbulb moment that follows is like a drug. Oh yeah- it is that good. And it makes obedience REALLY desirable. If you are so blessed as to see the fruit of your obedience, it will just drive you to want to obey more.

Two things must be said right here though:
1. "The fruit of my obedience is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be obedient." - A quote from the pastor who shared the Gospel with James Dobson's grandfather, as told by the pastor's granddaughter to me on my first mission trip. You can't be obedient on your own, and you can't do it because you want a reward. That's not obedience- it's manipulation.

2. Beth Moore talked about "full circles", I think in "Believing God". I resented her words. But since reading them, I have seen several circles close- God bringing hurt, frustration, lack of understanding to an amazing -not conclusion- but culmination? Yeah that.

The Circle of the day though (the short version): 4 years ago, an old friend started dating this girl, and I was pretty jealous. In spite of my knee-jerk jealousy, God clearly told me to let go of resentment, and try being her friend. Hard to do in the moment, but it did come. Every time I'd see her, I made a point of talking to her, and before I even realized what'd happened, I was sincere. It was good to see her on our sporadic crossings. Now you're gonna laugh, but through the miracle of FaceBook- oh yes I said that, we connected again over the last year. We've never been super close, but I do love keeping in touch. I knew she was engaged now (different guy), and not living in O-Town anymore. Today I got a message saying "it'd be great if you could come to our wedding". Totally not expected. And the Circle closed. God asked me to do something small for His sake, He honored my obedience, then blessed it, and now I get to celebrate with her at her wedding- something I do not take lightly.

Final point: you never know who will play what role in your life- who will come, stay or go. More on this topic promised in the future. :)