Millstones and Milestones.

July 11.

July 11, 2000- according to a movie ticket stub I found recently, apparently I watched Lethal Weapon 4. I totally don't remember anything about the movie, but I've got the proof I was there!

July 11, 2006- quite a different story. I will probably never forget this day, though I wish every day since that I could... This is the day I willfully walked off a cliff. I started off intentionally, proceeded to the edge, ignored every warning sign, and didn't just walk off the edge- I JUMPED. Back into sin I thought- no swore- was behind me. I also happened to jump into a downward spiral of self-loathing and deprecation, lasting for several months. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror, couldn't hardly make eye contact with most people, and couldn't go for more than maybe 3 hours without crying. I certainly couldn't tell others- not directly at least... I believed I was the biggest phony. I was in shock really! How could I have done this?! HOW did this happen?! I thought I loved God! I thought I was a new person! What about being baptized? What about all those night I'd cry out to God and tell Him how sorry I was for the things in my past- how I was so sorry for how I'd disrespected him for so many years... What ABOUT all that?

I wore that millstone for a long time. Can't say exactly how long, and can't say it's not completely removed now either.

July 11, 2007- One year post, and I could testify already to just how GOOD my Kind Father is. He took me back, and spoke directly to me about His forgiveness. He filled the year with a TON of mercy, and provided me with good distractions to allow for covert healing of my heart and mind. On THIS day, God allowed me to spend this morbid anniversary in my beloved Papua New Guinea, serving. I passed this milestone in the kitchen, on a trail, with wonderful fellowship, and surrounded by nature that literally screams out the glory of God.

July 11, 2009- Three years post now. God has allowed for much healing, and has done AMAZING things in my heart and life between this milestone and the original millstone. I have lower expectations for myself and people in general (for this perfectionist, this is actually a good thing!). I think I have a more realistic view of sin and its grip on us. But I also believe I have a much clearer understanding of grace. CLEARLY it is much more easily comprehended when dealt to you in grand doses. I have a slightly different desire to do what pleases my Kind Father as well. He wants my heart, and I can easily surrender because He took me back. I would give everything in gratitude for just being taken back.

And now, the date has been redeemed. July 11, 2009 I watched my sweet friend Christie walk down the aisle, and NOW this day will forever be her anniversary.

Full circle complete. From death to life. Mourning to dancing. Despair and depression to joy and celebration.

How GREAT is Our God?!

Freedom and Bondage

Like a lot of girls, I have "one of THOSE ex's" hanging around in my skeleton closet. (No, I didn't kill him and stuff him in there... but that was by God's grace alone.) I met him, was instantly attracted, quickly grew an intense friendship, and before I could even discern the BEGINNING of it, was bonded, and I remained in such a state for 4 years.

It's been a little over 1.5 years since the end of that, and were you to ask my friends, they'd say I'm a different girl now- happier, free-er (sp?), more open/ transparent, etc. At least that's what they've told me at different times... And I DO feel that. I praise God daily for the distance He has allowed to grow between "then" and "now", the healing He has brought me, and the grace He has permitted to infiltrate. It has been nothing short of amazing to me, and there are no silly words that do justice for an explanation of the gratitude I feel in my heart- both to my God and to my friends who were so persistent and grace-filled and re-accepting. God has healed my heart in so many ways too- so that I could forgive, and not resent, etc. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or avoidant if I saw him at church, or if he showed up at some mutual friends' party. He ended up marrying a girl who'd been a close friend of mine for years, and then it did get weird, and I felt like I had to avoid BOTH of them again, but maybe for a better reason? I don't know.

A friend happened to mention to me last night that this same ex is moving. I was totally not expecting that, and I could NOT have predicted my reaction. I almost started crying! I couldn't stop smiling and laughing- clearly I'd lost it. Again I find no words to express the RELIEF I felt in that moment. I had no idea one was still there, but I instantly felt like this huge weight had been removed. I will never go to another event and see him, I won't have to worry for a second about running into him somewhere. He will be GONE. Forever.

Talking to God while driving home after having learned this, I asked, "why couldn't this have happened YEARS ago?! There's so much that could have been avoided if only..." But the "why" isn't my responsibility.

I called a friend to share this crazy insane good news with someone, and in the process, asked her, "is it wrong for me to be this happy?" She said no- it wasn't like I was wishing him ill in any way, I was just happy for my own circumstances. But then she said, "It's ok for you to feel this way because clearly this person has a hold of you still for you to react so strongly..." And the freedom I felt transformed into the chains that returned.

The only thing that could come out was, "Really?? Do you really think so?" I would so love to think I'm way more "evolved" than all of this. That I've grown, changed, put aside, moved on, improved, etc. I talked to another friend who was closer to me and knew the situation better too. She assured me that she did see all of that, in spite of my current doubt, but kind of made provision for why it'd be hard for me still... I don't know if I wanted that. I really wanted the truth. And really- in the end, the truth will shine the brightest, even if it's the ugliest.

Everything

The story of my life. You'll cry if it's your story too...

Rebirth

Believe it or not (coming from Florida), January 11, 2004 was ICY! We were all attending the very first Revolution Retreat at Southwind in little Ocklawaha, Fl. It was in the mid 30's around 8:00 a.m., and I was up early- I had some reading I wanted to do.

Rewind to early October 2003- I was a few months into a long and very different journey, moving in the general direction of Christ. I was in a very small home group with Casey Johnson, and we were slowly making our way through The Purpose Driven Life. Something from one of the early chapters really shouted out to me: it was the notion that baptism was how you showed the world your intention to follow Christ. I was stunned! Being brought up Lutheran, baptism was always tied to salvation. Hence my earlier infant baptism. I had already dismissed this teaching as untrue/ unbiblical, but I hadn't really dug for the Truth to replace it. Nevertheless, when this notion of baptism as symbol of "follower" came to me, I was quick to decide, "well this is what I need to do!"

Probably as soon as you decide to do anything for God, Satan moves in and tries to plant doubt in your mind. Having been already baptized, I questioned CONSTANTLY- "is this really necessary?" My parents were completely unsupportive, and non-understanding. "You've already been baptized! Why would you do it again?" And I waited. I sat on it... But not for too long. :)

So it's really cold, and it's pretty early, and I'm sitting in a corner of the huge dining room by the fire place (not lit- wish it were). Bible in lap, I looked up every verse listed that touched on baptism. I read about John baptizing people to show they were turning toward the Coming Messiah, Jesus being baptized before starting His ministry... Paul's words spoke the loudest.

"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more kindness and forgiveness? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we became Christians and were baptized to become one with Christ Jesus, we died with Him? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives."

Wow.

Some time while I was reading all this, a girl approached me- she was who I'd been paired up with to "get to know better", spend some time with, etc. over the weekend. She sat down, asked what I was reading, talked with me for a while, and prayed with me too. The first of many times we'd pray and share scripture together- as this "girl I barely knew" turned into my dear, sweet, wonderful friend Michaela.

I remember standing out by the pool in shorts and a t-shirt, wind blowing, freezing quickly- even with a blanket around me. Two guys were also out there in shorts. We huddled together and prayed for each other- for the lives we wanted to live, and the direction we wanted to intentionally turn toward. I remember the water- INSANELY cold! Casey asked, "are you ready?", and I nodded yes. I remember scanning the crowd at the edge of the pool for one particular person, and becoming almost panicked in my mind, as that person eluded me. (Hindsight makes me eternally grateful for that- but that's a different story for another time) "Emily, I baptize you..."

I remember a moment... And a feeling... Right before going under, time stopped. It was a feeling of panic, and of letting go. Something within me registered that things would be different now. That feeling was of being erased. Everything within me felt erased. I did not come up the same person.

Five years forward- I could not have humanly imagined the life God had/has in store for me. This is not the life I thought I'd lead, and I am eternally grateful for it! God has allowed for so much growth, pain, love, learning... He gave me a family, a church home, a ministry- and an ability to trust Him when those were taken away too. He's given me people to spur me on, and it's their friendship I am most grateful for. I love our Lord.

Happy Rebirthday.

A Full Circle

Ever done something you didn't really feel like doing, but did it anyway, and then later realized that GOD was telling you to do that, and even more- He blesses you big-time BECAUSE of your obedience? Yeah. It's like that.

I have had this happen SEVERAL times. And though I really don't understand in the moment why a thought crosses my mind, or why I feel so compelled to do *whatever*, the "a-ha"/ lightbulb moment that follows is like a drug. Oh yeah- it is that good. And it makes obedience REALLY desirable. If you are so blessed as to see the fruit of your obedience, it will just drive you to want to obey more.

Two things must be said right here though:
1. "The fruit of my obedience is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be obedient." - A quote from the pastor who shared the Gospel with James Dobson's grandfather, as told by the pastor's granddaughter to me on my first mission trip. You can't be obedient on your own, and you can't do it because you want a reward. That's not obedience- it's manipulation.

2. Beth Moore talked about "full circles", I think in "Believing God". I resented her words. But since reading them, I have seen several circles close- God bringing hurt, frustration, lack of understanding to an amazing -not conclusion- but culmination? Yeah that.

The Circle of the day though (the short version): 4 years ago, an old friend started dating this girl, and I was pretty jealous. In spite of my knee-jerk jealousy, God clearly told me to let go of resentment, and try being her friend. Hard to do in the moment, but it did come. Every time I'd see her, I made a point of talking to her, and before I even realized what'd happened, I was sincere. It was good to see her on our sporadic crossings. Now you're gonna laugh, but through the miracle of FaceBook- oh yes I said that, we connected again over the last year. We've never been super close, but I do love keeping in touch. I knew she was engaged now (different guy), and not living in O-Town anymore. Today I got a message saying "it'd be great if you could come to our wedding". Totally not expected. And the Circle closed. God asked me to do something small for His sake, He honored my obedience, then blessed it, and now I get to celebrate with her at her wedding- something I do not take lightly.

Final point: you never know who will play what role in your life- who will come, stay or go. More on this topic promised in the future. :)

Anything that COULD possibly go wrong...

...DID go wrong in 2008. Ok, so maybe that's a tad dramatic... but I mean really- see for yourself! In order now:

My boss stopped talking to me.
My home church ended.
I got stuck on a mountain in snow so thick I couldn't see in front of or behind me.
My emotions frequently won the battle of heart versus mind.
I really alienated myself from some of my friends.
I was sick for like 3 weeks, and got the worst, most painful earache every felt by a human.
My friend and I stood up for what's right, and were estranged from our coworkers.
Same friend and I resigned from same job.
I started getting hate mail.
My last check was withheld.
I was threatened with defamation.
My computer died.
My mom drove me over the edge.
My credit limits were (almost) reached.
I was threatened with a lawsuit.
Work stopped coming in.
Home group challenge. Enough said.
My next door neighbor's son harassed one of my girlfriends.
My next door neighbor threatened to get a restraining order against me after I reported what'd happened.
I couldn't find a job to save myself.
I couldn't get myself out of bed.
I lost my church.
I lost my young adults ministry.
I lost my dear friend.
My trust was destroyed.
I lost my last grandmother.
I lost my home group.
I gave up any chance I had to return to PNG any time soon.
A lot of questions were left unanswered.
A lot of prayers were answered with a "no".
Things I never thought I'd lose are now gone.
People let me down.
I let a lot of people down.

It is totally fair to say when something hard happens, there's a refractory period. Could be 2 days, 2 months or 2 years even. This isn't even a full list, and where it stands here, this is like having one disastrous thing happen every 12 days for a whole year. Yeah, that's kind of how it feels too. Just one thing after another. So what's the refractory period for that?

The "alone" thing really weighed me down in all of this. I felt so. unbelievably. alone.

Before you give into the horridly unsympathetic urge to say "oh get over it", who hasn't had a season like this? This is not the post for anything else. But stay tuned. I won't be staying here.

Overflowing...

Yeah, that's what my thoughts have been doing... This year has been really tough. And I've decided to put pieces of it here. I'd love your comments whenever possible- but I don't really think many people read this... :) Guess I'll find out!

God has really led me through 2008. The only logical explanation I have for having made it through thus far is that He took me by the hand and dragged me through. Or, well, at least He held my hand and walked a step ahead, hacking through the bush as we went along... A lot of this year I felt like I was so alone and unprotected- dealing with one insane thing after another by myself, and practically failing at everything. I'm single as this is written, so humanly speaking, I wasalone. If I'd been truly alone though, I think I'd have ended things. So it must have been God.

I can't narrow down the lessons to one monumental one. But I do want to share some of them, and will do so here. So read on, Dear One.

A Sinner's Prayer

I emailed Steve Brown, and he actually wrote back! Pretty cool. This is something he included in his response...

(From Michael Quoist’s book Prayers)
I have fallen Lord, once more, I can’t go on. I’ll never succeed. I am ashamed. I don’t dare look at You. And yet I struggled, Lord, for I knew you were right near me, bending over me, watching.

But temptation blew like a hurricane, and instead of looking at You, I turned my head away. I stepped aside while you stood, silent and sorrowful, like the spurned fiancée who sees his loved one carried away by the enemy.

When the wind died down as suddenly as it had arisen, when the lightening ceased after proudly streaking the darkness, all of a sudden I found myself alone, ashamed, disgusted, with my sin in my hands… this sin that I selected the way a customer makes his purchase, this sin that I have paid for and cannot return, for the storekeeper is no longer there. This tasteless sin, this odorless sin, this sin that sickens me, that I have wanted but want no more, that I have imagined, sought, played with, fondled for a long time; that I have finally embraced while turning coldly away from you, my arms outstretched, my eyes and heart irresistibly drown; this sin that I have grasped and consumed with gluttony.

It’s mine now, but it possesses me as the spider web holds captive the gnat. It is mine. It sticks to me, it flows in my veins, it fills my heart. It has slipped in everywhere, as darkness slips into the forest at dusk and fills all the patches of light. I can’t get rid of it. I run from it the way one tries to lose a stray dog, but it catches up with me and bounds joyfully against my legs.

Everyone must notice it. I’m so ashamed that I feel like crawling to avoid being seen. I’m ashamed of being seen by my friends. I’m ashamed of being seen by You, Lord, for You loved me, and I forgot You. I forgot You because I was thinking of myself and one can’t think of several persons at once. One must choose, and I chose…

… And Your voice and Your look, and Your love hurt me, they weigh me down more than my sin.

Lord, don’t look at me like that. I am naked. I am dirty. I am down, shattered, with no strength left. I dare make no more promises. I can only lie bowed before You…

And the Father's Response...
Come, child, look up. Isn’t it mainly your vanity that is wounded? Do you think there is a limit to My love? Do you think that for a moment I stopped loving You? But you still rely on yourself. You must rely only on Me. Ask my pardon and get up quickly. It isn’t falling in the mud that is the worst…

… but staying there.

"You Are Holy" Revisited

Note: This was originally posted on "Roaming Angel", but it's still relevant to "Taken Back". So read it again!

(taken from a journal entry- Saturday, March 27, 2004)

"Praise Father God- Giver of life,
Power and might, goodness and light-
Ruler of all.
Praise to the Son- The Living Christ.
Body and Blood, Mercy and Love- sweet Sacrifice.
You are HOLY- HOLY.
Praise Holy Ghost- Voice in the dark,
Healer and Friend, Fire and Wind,
Lord of our hearts.
Praise Father God.
Praise to the Son.
Praise Holy Ghost-
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
You are HOLY- HOLY."

These are the words to my favorite praise song. I have decided that my favorite attribue of God is His Holiness. "Holy"... So much comes to mind in that simple word. In the phrase "You are Holy", I hear...

• You are Pure- free from sin.
• You are Truth- all Your words are true.
• You are sincere.
• You are sovereign.
• You are Ruler over everything and everyone, and every situation!
• You are powerful- You can do all things.
• You know all things.
• You are in control of all things.
• You hear all prayers.
• You direct all lives.
• You know all fears.
• You heal all hurts.
• You forgive all wrongs.
• You judge.
• You are JUST.
• You are mighty.
• You are reliant.
• You are Almighty!
• You can overcome anything!

And this is just the beginning!!

In "You are Holy", I see so much. I see me wanting things not in Your plan for me. I see You withholding my wants and desires from me because YOU know that there is something better for me. I see you saying "NO" to my requests. I see me crying and mourning for things I hold/held dear because they're being taken away. I see me begging for mudpies, when all You want to give me is a holiday on the shore...

I see me on my knees, saying and pleading, that God- Your will be done in my life, knowing that Yours and mine differ. I see me finally submitting to You, and feeling that unbelievable peace that You so often bless me with.

I love this song- and the phrase "You are Holy". Why is it that in spite of the fighting, begging and pleading, do I end up in the same place? It's a good place to end. My conclusion is always "You are Holy". You are in control of my life. You are in control of the difficult stuff, even if I can't make any sense of it. You know exactly why I'm going thru this. You know what the outcome will be- and why is that? Because You are Holy!

God, In "You are Holy", I see submission of myself to You, and of all humanity to You in the end! I love you Lord- because you are HOLY! Take control of my life, my thoughts, my actions, my heart...

To Be "Taken Back"

What does this mean...?

It is to be reclaimed. Rescued. Made whole again. To be called "Beloved" instead of "traitor".

The human words "You're mine"- so priceless, beyond imagination- in a moment when I never thought I'd hear such things again! Yet Human they remained, and thus fallible... retractable...

After all of the back-sliding, abandonment, grief, anxiety, anger, resentment- to hear the whispered words "You're Mine" is just more than I can comprehend.

"Comfort, Comfort! Speak softly and tenderly to her... Make it very clear that she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of—forgiven!She's been punished enough and more than enough, and now it's over and done with." -Isaiah 40:1-2 (The Message)

And just like that- it's gone! There is nothing more I could possibly do to earn forgiveness, or to somehow pay my debts. I can't take myself back. Nor can I look to another human to rescue me- make me whole. Only One can reclaim me. And it was done before the beginning of time. Amazing!