Reconnection...

I just reconnected with an old friend from grad school, and I can't even tell you how good it was to talk (and by talk I mean facebook chat) with her after all this time!! We'd been study buddies in grad school, and we ended up doing our final externships together. After graduating though, we kind of took different paths, and lost touch, though we did run into each other once downtown at a craft show. And silly as it may sound- though remember, I'm a Loyalist-, I've missed her ever since.


So 6 or so years later, I get a notification that someone else posted a comment on another friend's photo on- you guessed it- FACEBOOK. But the comment isn't about the picture, it's addressing me! And it's this long lost girl, mutually friends with someone else I've known for almost 6 years!

Circles come to mind... But I don't think this circle is completed. I get to see my sweet friend on Sunday, and REALLY talk with her for the first time in 6 years. I can NOT WAIT!

I Don't Ask For Crazy...

(disclaimer- there's good stuff in here, but you're gonna have to read down to find it...)

... It just has a way of finding me... Especially, for some reason, this year. 2008 has been INSANE!! So many bad things have happened... I remember commenting to one of my girlfriends about it after yet another thing pummeled me, "you know, I'm not asking for this. Am I doing something inadvertently to bring this stuff on?" She said it didn't seem like I was, because I didn't have control over what the things that were happening. I don't know... It's gotten really old though... I'm not going to be sad when 2008 is over.

So here's the latest crazy:
I went camping this weekend with Revolution, and had a blast! I gave this girl a ride up to the campsite, though, and after some stuff that I'm not going to put in here (to protect the innocent AND guilty), this is the PUBLIC WALL POSTING she put on my facebook page:

Hello. We need to talk. I don't appreciate your attitude towards me on Fri/Sat. You are very aggressive towards people and do not back down when you are being rude! It is not your place to tell people how to act (like you want them to), what to drink, and how to do things "your way". You need to have more compassion for people and treat people like YOU want to be treated. Live the bible not just read it.

Lovely.

Usually, I will blame myself for the shortcomings of others untill I'm 29 feet into a pit, and totally guilt-ridden. I have to fight NOT to come down on myself, and instead, tend to believe everyone else is perfect and I'm the only schmuck. I'm the bitch. I deserve whatever people dish me. For a long time, I have lived out these beliefs... And I'm stuggling with all my might NOW to do the opposite: let go when needed, unshoulder the burden of responsibility for other peoples' meanness, self-centered-ness, anger, misery, and come to grips with the fact that I really DON'T have to be everyone's friend. I don't HAVE TO be everything to everyone. It's very freeing...

Back to this wall post though... "Crazy wall post" was quickly followed by another post, from a friend who I love even more now:

Dear _____ (name deleted to protect the guilty)... I don't know you, but for some reason, I feel lead to respond to your post. You know that Emily's not checking her facebook for the weekend, so it seems to me that you took a cheap shot at her knowing it wouldn't be quickly deleted. I guess that's why I'd like to say something on her behalf. While there may be some truth in your message to Emily, you're approach to communicating with her could've been handled differently. Just a friendly reminder for the future, if you feel that you've been offended, God prefers that you go first to that person privately to discuss the matter. Publicly venting your feelings toward her on facebook is not God's preference! :) ... in your own words, "treat people like you want to be treated."

And another friend I just adore...

Emily...you are such an amazingly graceful person!! I would've told that girl that she was a hipocrite ass!!!! She's complaining that you tell people how to act when she's telling you how to act? If she even half knew you, she would know how awesome of a person and friend you are. Message to ___...Grow Up!! You don't deserve a friend like Emily!

And then my SISTER chimed in...

____, you may have felt that Emily was agressive etc to you, and that may or may not have been justified. However, through your post you have now shown the world (at least the FB world) what kind of a person YOU are. Next time someone bugs you, grow up and talk to that person privately about it.

You really just never know... You never know who will come to your aid- when you're guilty and when you're not.

I swear that I have the best friends in the world. I remember, several years back now, a time when I didn't have many friends at all. I had to go to the hospital after a car accident, and the person who brought me to the hospital said he didn't want to wait around, so I should find a ride home with one of my friends. I felt so alone in that moment, because I didn't feel like I had any real friends.

I can't truthfully say that's the case any more though. I fight loneliness a lot, but God really has blessed me with good friendships- that feed me spiritually and emotionally, and every once in a while, that come to my aid and reach down into the pit to pull me up.

You Never Know... (Part 2)

Someone who became my friend 5 years ago.
Someone who gained my trust.
Someone I loved dearly.
Someone who'd really supported and encouraged me.
Someone I prayed with and for regularly.
Someone I confided in.
Someone I looked forward to spending time with.
Someone I thought would be in my wedding some day- we would celebrate life's big moments together.
Severed her friendship with me 2 months ago, very suddenly, through one seriously polarizing, un-retractable act. I'm still struggling to comprehend how this happened.

The only thing I can turn to for any small amount of comfort or understanding is that GOD KNEW. He knew 5 years ago when we met, and He knew when we were growing our friendship. He knew every time I thanked Him for her that this is how things would turn out. So even though I'm appalled and hurt and miss my friend, I just keep going back to "He knew this before I did..." And because of the last point on the last post's list- "who will return"- I'm holding my breath. God can do anything.

I'm praying for some kind of Circle now- beyond my human mind's imagination or comprehension.

You Just Never Know...

There is no way of knowing who will play what role in your life.
Who will you meet?
Who will be your friend?
Who will you trust?
Who will trust you?
Who will you love?
Who will you be concerned about?
Who will be concerned for you?
Who will you be there for?
Who will be there for you?
Who will hurt you?
Who will stay?
Who will go?
Who will return?
This is just mind-blowing to me. 3 very recent examples, but just one for now:

A teacher I had for my first class in graduate school. Really non-important to me. I fell asleep in her class- I just wasn't quite ready to be a serious student. I ended up with a good grade, but because of the naps (and very bad memory) I ended up sitting in the class close to the end my grad school career, re-learning, and really LOVED it the second time! Still just a passing figure to me though.

Fast forward 6 years: my teacher is now my co-worker. What a blessing! I get to learn new things all the time at my job because of the strong and knowledgeable mentor/co-worker I gained. And if that wasn't enough, she was the one sitting right next to me when I got the call that my grandmother had died. So she was the one who held my hand while I cried, and hugged me, and comforted me. And that friends, is what first sparked this thought of "you really never know".

You really just have no way of knowing WHO is going to be important to you in the future. Who God's going to insert or re-insert into your story. Makes me want to treat the people I'm prone to think of as "unimportant" or just give passing glances to the best I can in the fleeting moments, 'cause who knows who they might become to me later.

To be continued...

A Full Circle

Ever done something you didn't really feel like doing, but did it anyway, and then later realized that GOD was telling you to do that, and even more- He blesses you big-time BECAUSE of your obedience? Yeah. It's like that.

I have had this happen SEVERAL times. And though I really don't understand in the moment why a thought crosses my mind, or why I feel so compelled to do *whatever*, the "a-ha"/ lightbulb moment that follows is like a drug. Oh yeah- it is that good. And it makes obedience REALLY desirable. If you are so blessed as to see the fruit of your obedience, it will just drive you to want to obey more.

Two things must be said right here though:
1. "The fruit of my obedience is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be obedient." - A quote from the pastor who shared the Gospel with James Dobson's grandfather, as told by the pastor's granddaughter to me on my first mission trip. You can't be obedient on your own, and you can't do it because you want a reward. That's not obedience- it's manipulation.

2. Beth Moore talked about "full circles", I think in "Believing God". I resented her words. But since reading them, I have seen several circles close- God bringing hurt, frustration, lack of understanding to an amazing -not conclusion- but culmination? Yeah that.

The Circle of the day though (the short version): 4 years ago, an old friend started dating this girl, and I was pretty jealous. In spite of my knee-jerk jealousy, God clearly told me to let go of resentment, and try being her friend. Hard to do in the moment, but it did come. Every time I'd see her, I made a point of talking to her, and before I even realized what'd happened, I was sincere. It was good to see her on our sporadic crossings. Now you're gonna laugh, but through the miracle of FaceBook- oh yes I said that, we connected again over the last year. We've never been super close, but I do love keeping in touch. I knew she was engaged now (different guy), and not living in O-Town anymore. Today I got a message saying "it'd be great if you could come to our wedding". Totally not expected. And the Circle closed. God asked me to do something small for His sake, He honored my obedience, then blessed it, and now I get to celebrate with her at her wedding- something I do not take lightly.

Final point: you never know who will play what role in your life- who will come, stay or go. More on this topic promised in the future. :)