What I awoke to...

I awoke this morning totally groggy, and reset my alarm for an additional hour. It was that bad. Why? Oh... I don't know... Was it the run I completed last night and then felt super energized by? Was it the tea I had with dinner? Was it that my bedroom was 45 degrees and I didn't want to get out from the lovely covers?  Was it that unexpected need to watch 5 episodes of Alias in a row because of the cliffhanger at the end of season 4? I'd like to think it was the run. Anywho. I digress.

So when I woke up the second time, like 20 minutes ago now (7:30 am), these words were in my head: "I remember the bomb, I was there." Couldn't recall what that was from, but thought it was pretty fitting, and also thought it must be a song. Why or how it stirred out of the deep crevices of my brain, I don't know. When I googled it, I recognized it immediately.

Have you ever questioned whether or not something actually happened to you? You remember it happening, but then it seems kind of dream-like, and time has stepped in and inserted some distance for you, and once in a while it seems like that couldn't really be real... ? I shared that thought/feeling with my pastor's wife, and she said her mother had stated the same kind of sentiment after her husband and son passed away. So I guess it must happen to more people than just me...

I got married 2 years 2 months and 2 days ago. I remember the day pretty well.  I remember everything we did to prepare for that day- marriage prep, moving, making my place ready for renters, long talks about hopes, dreams, fears and more.  I remember feeling the most nervous/anticipatory that I've ever ever felt in my life, heart pounding, waiting for those church doors to swing open to walk down the aisle.  I remember melting when my father gave me away.  I remember most of the service, the readings, the "cord of 3 strands", praying together, his grandfather's prayer for us...  I remember kissing my husband for the first time, and walking hand in hand out of that church.  I remember how much I loved him, and knowing he loved me too.

But now, 15 months after separating, and 8 months after the divorce was finalized, it is like those memories could have maybe been a dream...  Did I really get married?! Or how about this question: did I really get engaged, married AND divorced in less than 2 years?!?!?  Sometimes I have to purposefully state that yes- all of this actually happened.  There are pictures documenting the day.  All of my close friends and family were there, and they tell me that they did actually witness the whole thing.  So regardless of if some people choose to sweep that day and me under the rug, it was real.

The rest of the words to that song...  How very very appropriate.

I was there when you shone as bright as Bethlehem from afar.
I was there when you were young and strong and perverted
and everything that makes a young man a star.


I was there and I swear to god and on my mother's grave
on everything I have or ever will embrace.
I was there and I saw it with my own two eyes.

I was there, c'mon and tell me I wasn't worth sticking it out for.
well I was there, and I know I was worth it
cause if I wasn't worth it, that makes me worse off than you are.

I was there when you dropped the bomb
you know, I remember the bomb
and I still hear the bomb
and I still fight the bomb
you know I still fear the bomb
you know I still hate the bomb
sometimes I still get the call...

Try as you might, you cannot lose sight of the things in your life you wish to run away from.  Truth takes the stairs, but it will eventually rise up.  I was there.  

Lyrics from "Surrounded", Chantal Kreviazuk

David Crowder Band - SMS [Shine]

For anyone that might actually still read this blog... Sorry I haven't been updating recently... It turns out being married is really time-consuming. Who knew?! Hope you enjoy this little video from my favorite Christian artist. Happy Thanksgiving!

Shadows...

"Life is full of life and shadows.
Oh- the joy and oh- the sorrow.
And yet will He bring day from night,
And yet will He bring dark to light.
When shadows fall on us,
We will not fear- we will remember.
When darkness falls on us,
We will not fear- we will remember.
When all seems lost,
When we're thrown and we're tossed,
We'll remember the cost:
We are resting in the shadow of the Cross."

--David Crowder Band, "Shadows", Church Music.

Sacred Place

My personal prayer...

Come into this sacred place
Come into my heart and
Sing Your song of grace
Pull me safe into the deep
Pull me in to where the
Depths of love meet
Sing, sing over me until dawn
Pull me safe into the deep

Come and carry me away
Come into my heart and
Turn this night to day
Come into this sacred place
Come into my heart and sing

'Cause I can hear You now
And You're the only sound
I give You all my love

You've rescued me
You embrace me,
And You calm me...
You persuade me,
You console me...

He does too, doesn't He...

Lyrical Wednesday- For my Dear Friends

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it’s ok to cry with you.
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I’ve been near God
And that’s the way it ought to be.

You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn’t think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I’m hoping that I’ll
Do the kind of praying for you that you’ve done for me
And that’s the way it ought to be.

You have carried me.
You have taken upon a burden that wasn’t your own.
May the blessing return to you a hundredfold.

You’ve been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
You’ve spoken truth over my life
You’ll never know what it means to me-
Just to know you’ve been on your knees for me.
You have blessed my life
More than you’ll ever know.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

I heard a voice through the discord of a deluge of passersby...
I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by-
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud- when you're whispering...

"Hey Unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey Ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another.
Hey Unloving, I will love you.
I will love you.
I will love you."

Lyrical Tuesday

ANYTHING reminds me of a song. I'm pretty sure my life comes with a soundtrack. And you know you've got a happy girl when she scurries the halls humming. Today was a humming kind of day :). So thanks Anne for bringing a song to mind, and "forcing" me into making today lyrical!

Your motives unstable, you're like an unwinding cable car...
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are.
Go your own way- even seasons have changed,
Just burn those new leaves over.
So self-absorbed, you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about.

Backing away from the problem of pain- you never had a home.
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long.
Don't you believe that you've been deceived! Or that you're no better than ___...
The hair in your eyes will never disguise what you're really thinking of.

You're so brilliant-
Don't soon forget grace marked your heart.

This is the correlation of Salvation and Love:
"Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart and with quiet words
I'll lead you in."

--Anberlin

Contemplating Baptism, Part 1.

(When being baptized)

Runaway,
Breathe this in-
The water's wait.
Wide awake,
Breathe this in
The water's wait.
Asking if you are...

Erased

Everything within you will feel
Erased now

(Before baptism)

Everyday,
Houses full of no escape.
Runaway,
It starts to pull
He's in this place,
To question who you are.

Who am I?
Who am I?
I will fade


I've been thinking a lot recently about my own baptism. January 11, 2004, in freezing cold water, at Southwind, at the first Revolution retreat...

I remember a moment... And a feeling... Right before going under, time stopped, and it was a feeling of panic, and of letting go. Something within me registered that things would be different now.

That feeling was of being erased. Everything within me felt erased. I wasn't the same. I realized there were some things in life I could not return to.

"Who am I?" I'm not the same now as I was before... Life has changed. And I am forever grateful to God for that. I hate that I lived away from God for so long... "Who am I?" I'm His. This is neither easy nor completely pleasant on any given day. But oh- the rest and peace...

Christian Friends: LIVE YOUR LIVES AS THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN ERASED!!

"You Are Holy" Revisited

Note: This was originally posted on "Roaming Angel", but it's still relevant to "Taken Back". So read it again!

(taken from a journal entry- Saturday, March 27, 2004)

"Praise Father God- Giver of life,
Power and might, goodness and light-
Ruler of all.
Praise to the Son- The Living Christ.
Body and Blood, Mercy and Love- sweet Sacrifice.
You are HOLY- HOLY.
Praise Holy Ghost- Voice in the dark,
Healer and Friend, Fire and Wind,
Lord of our hearts.
Praise Father God.
Praise to the Son.
Praise Holy Ghost-
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
You are HOLY- HOLY."

These are the words to my favorite praise song. I have decided that my favorite attribue of God is His Holiness. "Holy"... So much comes to mind in that simple word. In the phrase "You are Holy", I hear...

• You are Pure- free from sin.
• You are Truth- all Your words are true.
• You are sincere.
• You are sovereign.
• You are Ruler over everything and everyone, and every situation!
• You are powerful- You can do all things.
• You know all things.
• You are in control of all things.
• You hear all prayers.
• You direct all lives.
• You know all fears.
• You heal all hurts.
• You forgive all wrongs.
• You judge.
• You are JUST.
• You are mighty.
• You are reliant.
• You are Almighty!
• You can overcome anything!

And this is just the beginning!!

In "You are Holy", I see so much. I see me wanting things not in Your plan for me. I see You withholding my wants and desires from me because YOU know that there is something better for me. I see you saying "NO" to my requests. I see me crying and mourning for things I hold/held dear because they're being taken away. I see me begging for mudpies, when all You want to give me is a holiday on the shore...

I see me on my knees, saying and pleading, that God- Your will be done in my life, knowing that Yours and mine differ. I see me finally submitting to You, and feeling that unbelievable peace that You so often bless me with.

I love this song- and the phrase "You are Holy". Why is it that in spite of the fighting, begging and pleading, do I end up in the same place? It's a good place to end. My conclusion is always "You are Holy". You are in control of my life. You are in control of the difficult stuff, even if I can't make any sense of it. You know exactly why I'm going thru this. You know what the outcome will be- and why is that? Because You are Holy!

God, In "You are Holy", I see submission of myself to You, and of all humanity to You in the end! I love you Lord- because you are HOLY! Take control of my life, my thoughts, my actions, my heart...

A Missionary's Cry

Your heart I seek to find-
With Your hands You fashioned mine.
Let me be used by you to carry out truth...
To the ends of the earth,
'Til everyone's heard-
My mended heart will share Your words.
I will tell the world that You are God!
Should all life cease to grow,
Should chaos take control...
The only hope we know is You will save us.
It's worth the cost to take up my cross
As You take back what's been lost.
Until all who doubt know You are God.
I'm not captive anymore-
I'm gonna soar to a new place,
Take on a new pace-
I know what my life is for.

I will run, I will fly-

I will live to be a sacrifice.

Through it all, I'll rise above-

Unafraid, I will face what comes.

I will run, I will fly-

And for my faith I'll live & die.

I'll be strong - I will press on-

For the sake of Your Beautiful Name.