Millstones and Milestones.

July 11.

July 11, 2000- according to a movie ticket stub I found recently, apparently I watched Lethal Weapon 4. I totally don't remember anything about the movie, but I've got the proof I was there!

July 11, 2006- quite a different story. I will probably never forget this day, though I wish every day since that I could... This is the day I willfully walked off a cliff. I started off intentionally, proceeded to the edge, ignored every warning sign, and didn't just walk off the edge- I JUMPED. Back into sin I thought- no swore- was behind me. I also happened to jump into a downward spiral of self-loathing and deprecation, lasting for several months. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror, couldn't hardly make eye contact with most people, and couldn't go for more than maybe 3 hours without crying. I certainly couldn't tell others- not directly at least... I believed I was the biggest phony. I was in shock really! How could I have done this?! HOW did this happen?! I thought I loved God! I thought I was a new person! What about being baptized? What about all those night I'd cry out to God and tell Him how sorry I was for the things in my past- how I was so sorry for how I'd disrespected him for so many years... What ABOUT all that?

I wore that millstone for a long time. Can't say exactly how long, and can't say it's not completely removed now either.

July 11, 2007- One year post, and I could testify already to just how GOOD my Kind Father is. He took me back, and spoke directly to me about His forgiveness. He filled the year with a TON of mercy, and provided me with good distractions to allow for covert healing of my heart and mind. On THIS day, God allowed me to spend this morbid anniversary in my beloved Papua New Guinea, serving. I passed this milestone in the kitchen, on a trail, with wonderful fellowship, and surrounded by nature that literally screams out the glory of God.

July 11, 2009- Three years post now. God has allowed for much healing, and has done AMAZING things in my heart and life between this milestone and the original millstone. I have lower expectations for myself and people in general (for this perfectionist, this is actually a good thing!). I think I have a more realistic view of sin and its grip on us. But I also believe I have a much clearer understanding of grace. CLEARLY it is much more easily comprehended when dealt to you in grand doses. I have a slightly different desire to do what pleases my Kind Father as well. He wants my heart, and I can easily surrender because He took me back. I would give everything in gratitude for just being taken back.

And now, the date has been redeemed. July 11, 2009 I watched my sweet friend Christie walk down the aisle, and NOW this day will forever be her anniversary.

Full circle complete. From death to life. Mourning to dancing. Despair and depression to joy and celebration.

How GREAT is Our God?!

Reconnection...

I just reconnected with an old friend from grad school, and I can't even tell you how good it was to talk (and by talk I mean facebook chat) with her after all this time!! We'd been study buddies in grad school, and we ended up doing our final externships together. After graduating though, we kind of took different paths, and lost touch, though we did run into each other once downtown at a craft show. And silly as it may sound- though remember, I'm a Loyalist-, I've missed her ever since.


So 6 or so years later, I get a notification that someone else posted a comment on another friend's photo on- you guessed it- FACEBOOK. But the comment isn't about the picture, it's addressing me! And it's this long lost girl, mutually friends with someone else I've known for almost 6 years!

Circles come to mind... But I don't think this circle is completed. I get to see my sweet friend on Sunday, and REALLY talk with her for the first time in 6 years. I can NOT WAIT!

A Full Circle

Ever done something you didn't really feel like doing, but did it anyway, and then later realized that GOD was telling you to do that, and even more- He blesses you big-time BECAUSE of your obedience? Yeah. It's like that.

I have had this happen SEVERAL times. And though I really don't understand in the moment why a thought crosses my mind, or why I feel so compelled to do *whatever*, the "a-ha"/ lightbulb moment that follows is like a drug. Oh yeah- it is that good. And it makes obedience REALLY desirable. If you are so blessed as to see the fruit of your obedience, it will just drive you to want to obey more.

Two things must be said right here though:
1. "The fruit of my obedience is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be obedient." - A quote from the pastor who shared the Gospel with James Dobson's grandfather, as told by the pastor's granddaughter to me on my first mission trip. You can't be obedient on your own, and you can't do it because you want a reward. That's not obedience- it's manipulation.

2. Beth Moore talked about "full circles", I think in "Believing God". I resented her words. But since reading them, I have seen several circles close- God bringing hurt, frustration, lack of understanding to an amazing -not conclusion- but culmination? Yeah that.

The Circle of the day though (the short version): 4 years ago, an old friend started dating this girl, and I was pretty jealous. In spite of my knee-jerk jealousy, God clearly told me to let go of resentment, and try being her friend. Hard to do in the moment, but it did come. Every time I'd see her, I made a point of talking to her, and before I even realized what'd happened, I was sincere. It was good to see her on our sporadic crossings. Now you're gonna laugh, but through the miracle of FaceBook- oh yes I said that, we connected again over the last year. We've never been super close, but I do love keeping in touch. I knew she was engaged now (different guy), and not living in O-Town anymore. Today I got a message saying "it'd be great if you could come to our wedding". Totally not expected. And the Circle closed. God asked me to do something small for His sake, He honored my obedience, then blessed it, and now I get to celebrate with her at her wedding- something I do not take lightly.

Final point: you never know who will play what role in your life- who will come, stay or go. More on this topic promised in the future. :)