I didn't get anything at all out of the fast this week. I don't think I was fully on board from the beginning though. I don't know... It's been a looooooong time since God's been clear with me, and I don't like it. It feels like I spend a LOT of time and energy praying for, asking, begging God to open doors for me, do something BIG with/in me, and I'm still in the exact same place I was this time last year. And in 2007. And in 2006. I could go on...
I am done with asking. I can't help but think that "this" is exactly where God wants me, and that I AM doing what He's got for me right now, though His idea of ministry and purpose are vastly different from mine. With all the begging I've done over the last 3+ years for learning and knowing His will, following what He wants for me, I can't help but conclude that I'M THERE. THIS is it. THIS is His "great plan" for me.
The following was originally written in my Bible Journal. Every year I keep a new journal and fill it with verses that stand out to me, a record of what I read throughout the year, and sermon notes. This year it's pretty empty for being the end of May...
I am in a famine. I just didn't want it to be true, especially because it's been soooooo long since I've felt this way, but I can't deny it further- it's pretty clear... I do next to nothing to build my relationship with my Lord. I'll think about it, say stuff like, "Oh, it'd be so nice to spend time with God", and then do nothing. I am all talk and intentions. I chronically waste time at home. I will find ANYTHING to replace God. Right now I think it'd be wrong for me to say "I love the Lord". I give more effort to people I DON'T love than to Him. This book should be over half filled with verses, prayers, thoughts, etc. ... And instead it's just a few pages. The year is half GONE!!
Grace is doing this month-long fast. I signed up, but I'm not excited about it. Everyone's comments are so expectant- like God's going to do some big thing in the next month. And I don't have that certainty or expectancy AT ALL. In fact, I'd rather NOT do it because I just don't want to be let down again. I used to fast- for answers and direction. And sometimes I really thought God was instructing me, guiding me, etc. But in hindsight, it must have been me. Or Satan- I'd even dare say- being very deceptive. I don't know...
I am a glutton. I fed my face all day (Tuesday) when I could have been fasting. And I consumed 3 hours of TV tonight. And now I'm in bed. Wow.
How am I supposed to fast when I can't stop feeding my face and turn off the distractions?! I've been asking for guidance, wisdom, some direction, instruction, etc. for 2+ years now and God hasn't done anything. So what is fasting NOW going to do?
If you've read this much, read a little further. Please pray that God will just show up for once and turn my attitude around, and bring me fully back to loving Him with ALL my heart, and not just 1/3 of it. I "like" God right now. But I can't say more than that and be truthful. I want to desire Him more, want what HE wants for me, and follow obediantly. Even just writing this- the deep truth in my heart starts to surface, and I want to love Him the way He deserves, and serve Him with no second thoughts, no matter what He has for me to do.
You're not alone, friend. I fasted on Memorial Day, and I didn't really feel any closer to God - only more aware of just how addicted I am to food and other distractions.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for us both on this. I want to know a bolder love, too, not just a half-hearted friendship.
It is easy to get nothing out of fasting — if you come with your own checklist of what you think you need from it (direction, passion, purpose).
ReplyDeleteLet God direct your agenda, no strings attached. Your work is only confession, repentance, and praise.
someone once told me that sometimes you pray "God, i want you". and other times you pray "God, i want to want you". and other times you pray "God, i want to want to want you"... keep praying. you're prayed for.
ReplyDelete