Tuesday, October 30, 2012

What I awoke to...

I awoke this morning totally groggy, and reset my alarm for an additional hour. It was that bad. Why? Oh... I don't know... Was it the run I completed last night and then felt super energized by? Was it the tea I had with dinner? Was it that my bedroom was 45 degrees and I didn't want to get out from the lovely covers?  Was it that unexpected need to watch 5 episodes of Alias in a row because of the cliffhanger at the end of season 4? I'd like to think it was the run. Anywho. I digress.

So when I woke up the second time, like 20 minutes ago now (7:30 am), these words were in my head: "I remember the bomb, I was there." Couldn't recall what that was from, but thought it was pretty fitting, and also thought it must be a song. Why or how it stirred out of the deep crevices of my brain, I don't know. When I googled it, I recognized it immediately.

Have you ever questioned whether or not something actually happened to you? You remember it happening, but then it seems kind of dream-like, and time has stepped in and inserted some distance for you, and once in a while it seems like that couldn't really be real... ? I shared that thought/feeling with my pastor's wife, and she said her mother had stated the same kind of sentiment after her husband and son passed away. So I guess it must happen to more people than just me...

I got married 2 years 2 months and 2 days ago. I remember the day pretty well.  I remember everything we did to prepare for that day- marriage prep, moving, making my place ready for renters, long talks about hopes, dreams, fears and more.  I remember feeling the most nervous/anticipatory that I've ever ever felt in my life, heart pounding, waiting for those church doors to swing open to walk down the aisle.  I remember melting when my father gave me away.  I remember most of the service, the readings, the "cord of 3 strands", praying together, his grandfather's prayer for us...  I remember kissing my husband for the first time, and walking hand in hand out of that church.  I remember how much I loved him, and knowing he loved me too.

But now, 15 months after separating, and 8 months after the divorce was finalized, it is like those memories could have maybe been a dream...  Did I really get married?! Or how about this question: did I really get engaged, married AND divorced in less than 2 years?!?!?  Sometimes I have to purposefully state that yes- all of this actually happened.  There are pictures documenting the day.  All of my close friends and family were there, and they tell me that they did actually witness the whole thing.  So regardless of if some people choose to sweep that day and me under the rug, it was real.

The rest of the words to that song...  How very very appropriate.

I was there when you shone as bright as Bethlehem from afar.
I was there when you were young and strong and perverted
and everything that makes a young man a star.

I was there and I swear to god and on my mother's grave
on everything I have or ever will embrace.
I was there and I saw it with my own two eyes.

I was there, c'mon and tell me I wasn't worth sticking it out for.
well I was there, and I know I was worth it
cause if I wasn't worth it, that makes me worse off than you are.

I was there when you dropped the bomb
you know, I remember the bomb
and I still hear the bomb
and I still fight the bomb
you know I still fear the bomb
you know I still hate the bomb
sometimes I still get the call...

Try as you might, you cannot lose sight of the things in your life you wish to run away from.  Truth takes the stairs, but it will eventually rise up.  I was there.  

Lyrics from "Surrounded", Chantal Kreviazuk

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