One And The Other

Reconciliation is the ultimate "taking back"- a common theme in my life to this point. It's also been my heart's desire throughout the course of my marriage, separation and divorce.

This hope of mine fades if another reconciliation hasn't taken place first. We can't have one without accepting the other.  For more on this, click here.

The Night Before

I remember the night before the 28th last year. It was a Monday. At work, a coworker heard about it for the very first time, and expressed his shock and sorrow. I was in the height of a cleaning streak (it's what I do when life gets out of control). The Kitten had broken my iron, so there was a late night run to Walmart for a new one- no wrinkles on the 28th. My sister flew into town, so there was a late night airport pick-up too. She helped me straighten my hair, and we stayed up till like 3:00am, talking things out. She read a letter I'd written and sent out the Friday before, and couldn't make it through without weeping with me. How did I ever sleep that night? Not a clue. I kept thinking that if I could just stay up a little longer, maybe the morning wouldn't come, and the reality of things would turn into a distant nightmare. There's a song I listened to over and over called "You'll Come", and I'd always imagine God racing toward us from the distant horizon, mounted on a white horse- the mighty and triumphant Warrior King I believed Him to be, with the light of sunrise behind him, illuminating Him... As He showed up. As He showed up and did something in our situation... Chains being broken, lives being healed, eyes being open... Maybe that's what would happen... And in all of that, He would be revealed- to us and to anyone who witnessed that amazing, merciful, grace-filled thing He'd do...

What I thought of the most though was the sheer volume of all those prayers that had been whispered and spoken and cried out for us. Prayers from hundreds of people from 4 different continents even. People I hadn't even heard from in many years- out of the blue emailing or calling, saying, "you've been on my mind, and I'm praying for you... What's going on?" At the time, I was so amazed by the outpouring of prayer support. But... What had it been for? I went to bed that night fully believing that all those prayers weren't in vain. That God would intervene, rescue, save, redeem, reconcile. Not even because we were asking, praying, begging, pleading... But because I truly believed that's who He was. The One who made marriage, and Who instituted ours. The One we'd invited in to be that Third Cord that would bind us together and make us stronger than we'd ever be without Him. The One who sees, hears, and knows... who softens hearts, changes minds, brings to repentance, protects, heals, binds up, redeems, reconciles. The One who makes all things new, and says He will do something totally new with us. The One who said He could keep us from falling...

And then I woke up to the 28th.